Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Abdication, Manipulation and Celebration

It's midnight, I'm exhausted and I should already be in bed but my mind is running and I can't seem to shake it. Must be a good time to blog. There's a whole lot of randomness on my mind right now so this could end up being a sloppy mess. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about people lately and knowing when to let some go. This concept seemed foreign to me earlier this year. I used to believe that I'm called to love all people. I need to forgive, love and help all people I come in contact with. I felt this way because as a Christ follower, we are told to love one another and to forgive and to live at peace with one another. That's great. The world would look much different if we all lived by this mindset but what happens when a person you care about abuses that love? What if your investment never yields a return?

I've been reading Donald Miller's latest book and it's got me thinking about this a lot lately. I typically try to love people no matter what. Even if they have hurt me deeply. I like to believe that if Jesus can forgive me for all the thousands of times I've messed up then why shouldn't I forgive for the few times a person hurts me? So I've done that or tried to do that all my life. It's paid off in most circumstances and has typically led to stronger, healthier relationships with friends and family. Where I'm struggling is with those people in your life that don't want that. What do I do with a person who's goal is to manipulate me time and time again? What do I do with the person who only wants my love if it benefits them? What do I do with the person who doesn't want forgiveness? Or, the person who hurts me time and time again? You've tried to love them, help them, forgive them, care for them or befriend them and they just do not want that or even seem to care.


Is it wrong to let them go? Is it wrong to give up on people? I've come to a point with a friend where caring for them has started to hurt me. Not just hurt me, crush me. This person has manipulated me, hurt me, put me down, projected guilt on me and everything in between but I still find myself caring for them. So what do we do? Do we keep pursuing it? Do we keep investing even when we know we will get nothing in return besides more hurt and pain? I met recently with a friend I deeply respect and who's opinion I highly value. He encouraged me to let go and move on. He even encouraged me to force myself to focus on all the pain that person has caused me and use that to break away form this cancerous relationship. It left me wondering if that's really what God wants. Is God alright with me walking away from someone even if they've intentionally hurt you time and time again?


Jesus talks briefly in Luke 10 about going out to find people of peace. He says how some people will welcome you into your home and will accept your love for them while others will not receive you. Those are not the people you want to invest into and you should move on. (paraphrasing of course. Call it the PSV. Parker Sims Version) Now I'm not one for trying to make Scripture say more than it is but there's something about this idea that has stuck with me. Jesus himself did not heal everyone who he came in contact with. We see people like the rich young ruler who "went away sad" and Jesus let him go. Jesus didn't chase him down or continue to pursue him. He saw that the man wasn't interested in what Jesus was giving and Jesus let him go.


Titus 3:10 states "Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them." Even more, Jesus talks about throwing seed on soil in Matthew 13. Some lands on rocks, some lands on path and will be trampled and some lands in good soil.


People manipulate other people and that sucks. Donald Miller says there are 5 types of manipulators in the world. #1: The Scorekeeper- keeps a record of every favor done and every favor owed. #2: The Judge- uses a moral code, opinions or worse, the Bible to make you feel insignificant for not being on their side. #3: The False Hero- this person promises things they can't and don't want to deliver on just to manipulate and provide false hope. #4: The Fearmonger: as you can guess, uses fear and intimidation. They surround themselves with very submissive people. Lastly, The Flopper: constantly seeking sympathy, attention and/or making you feel responsible for their pain or circumstance. All these are lethal.


I'll end with this; my best friend (love you Matt) once told me "Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated" and it's stuck with me for years. Yeah we should love each other unconditionally. Yeah we should care for those in need. Yeah we should embrace people who are different than us but there comes a point where we need to stand up for ourselves. If you're being manipulated or abused it's OK to run away. It's alright to acknowledge that that specific person is not good to you. There comes a time where we and I need to walk (or run) away and avoid more pain.


See, I was justifying what this person did because I still cared for them and still wanted to help. I didn't realize that by still wanting to care and help I was causing more pain and damage to myself. Sure, we can invest in people who can't or wont love us back the same but in the end, go where your celebrated. Appreciate the people God has given you that do care and do love you. Embrace them and their warm love for you. This will allow your love to overflow instead of leaking through the cracks that manipulative person made. Don't let them grind you down. Go where you're celebrated, not tolerated.


p.s. I wrote this while listening to the soundtrack for Interstellar. It's pretty epic. Go check it out.


Free until they cut me down


Parker Sims

@pPantzims

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